The Thing About Buses
by Smoochynose
Summary: "You know what's bad? Being hit by a bus. Now I'm not talking about any old bus. I'm talking about a proper big, red double-decker London bus that for some reason was being flown – yes flown – by some posh, high-born, upper-class aristocrat."
1. The Thing About Buses

**The Thing About Buses**

You know what's bad? Being hit by a bus. Now I'm not talking about any old bus. I'm talking about a proper London bus. A proper big, red double-decker London bus. A proper big, red double-decker London bus that for some reason was being flown – yes flown – by some posh, high-born, upper-class aristocrat.

Of course it's bad. It's a ten tonne bus that's flying.

Do you know why it's bad? Of course you do. It bloody hurts.

You probably want the whole story. It goes like this. Mum's nagging at me to get a "proper" job. No change there then. It's always 'You can't temp forever Donna' or 'Nobody wants a temp except for practice Donna'. Granddad is just watching me with those sad eyes he's had for the last year and a bit.

That's right. I've noticed. It's like I've died. Even mum does it and mum's ... well she's mum. There isn't exactly a word for her. Though overbearing, pushy, and a few others do spring to mind.

So anyway. It's breakfast. Mum's nagging about my temping. Granddad watching with the sad eyes. The neighbours shouting through the walls. It's a typical morning. Nobody seems concerned at all that I'm getting married the next day.

Especially not the neighbour. Not the shouting one. The elderly lady across the road whose friends with the one who should have lost her hormones long ago. So anyway. She's crippled. She has cats. Cat escapes. You can see where this is going.

Granddad is too old to chase after the cat. Mum wouldn't be caught chasing after a cat in a million years. I'm in my pyjamas. Crippled old cat lady makes puppy eyes. I'm a stupid bleedin' heart. I'm in my pyjamas, about to get married the next day, chasing after a stinking cat.

Outside. In the cold. And it's raining.

Have I mentioned I now hate cats.

So there I am. Chasing after Mr Tinkles III, since the first Mr Tinkles III drowned in a bathtub. Mr Tinkles I got hit by a stray hairdryer that had been aimed at a cheating husband and Mr Tinkles II choked on a frog. Personally I think that she should have given up on the name.

So there I am. I'm in the middle of the road. In my pyjamas, chasing a cat that isn't even mine. And this bus, that proper big, red double-decker London bus that was being flown by some posh, high-born, upper-class aristocrat comes crashing out of the sky.

I could have told her that buses weren't meant to fly. Hell, anyone could.

So I'm on the road. Bus is flying down onto the road. Bus hits me. I go flying. I'm still in my pyjamas.

It hurts.

Obviously if you're hit by a flying bus – and I'm going to have serious words with whoever made that thing fly (Who does that?) – it's very unpleasant. In fact out of the seventeen flying bus incidents (and I know that's a large number for 21st Centaury England) out of those that were hit head on like me, everyone but me died.

Guess what I do. I explode. Like golden beams and everything. Suddenly I'm not red-headed Donna Noble anymore.

I'm blonde. Really blonde. Like Marilyn Monroe blonde. I'm skinny, like a twig. I have a tan. Those pyjamas, yeah, they're now slightly too big. Memories are flying round my head. The memories that are supposed to melt my mind because there can't be a human-timelord metacrisis.

There can't be a DoctorDonna.

But there is. Because I'm not part Time Lord anymore. I died. Time Lady in me regenerates. Human in me dies. I become fully Time Lord. Oh yes. That's right.

I. Am. A. Time Lord.

The posh, high-born, upper-class aristocrat is standing over me asking questions. I'm more curious about my new body. I have no curves. Well not as much as before. But I guess I do have great legs to make up for it. The waist length hair may get annoying though, which I later learn is true.

I realize my fiancé is boring. I'm getting married the next day. I've just changed my face. No. I just changed my species. And my fiancé is boring. After all, how can I be with a book editor now? I don't need a man. I'm the DoctorDonna. I've been to Pompeii, different planets, and saved the universe.

And I'm in my pyjamas. There's some aristocratic bus driver standing over me. People are taking photos. I'm in my Pyjamas. I've realised my wedding is going to be a failure. Again. I still need to find space boy and give him a slap for taking away my memories.

Oh, and Mr Tinkles III is on my chest. His collar flashes his old name at me.

Bad Wolf.

Now isn't that wizard.


	2. The Thing About Cardiff

**The Thing About Cardiff**

Turns out, being hit by a flying bus isn't so bad. What's worse is standing waist deep in what can only be described as gunk. Alien gunk. You heard me, waist deep in alien gunk with a white t-shirt on. Not only that but the most attractive man you have ever set eyes on is there. Then, just when you think that's bad enough, you add a mutant plant that's trying to cop a feel.

As I said. A flying bus isn't so bad.

It's started off quite simply.

It takes two weeks to sort out the flying bus incident – you try saying that to people without being sectioned. Two weeks to convince my own mother that I really am her daughter and no, I haven't stolen someone else's body. Two weeks in which I learn that the posh, high-born, upper-class aristocrat isn't actually too bad. Even if she did sort of kill me. With the flying bus.

Lady Christina of Sausage (or whatever the long title is) is actually a thief. On the run. And was aided and abetted by – you guessed it – The Doctor. I should have known the minute that there was a flying bus in Chiswick that he had a hand in it.

Just one more reason to slap him. That and he deleted his number. No number meant I couldn't reach him. Which lead to the whole situation with the alien gunk. I had to find someone who could.

I went to Cardiff. Big rift in time and space Cardiff. You're-just-looking-for-aliens Cardiff.

Home of pretty-boy Cardiff.

I don't have much money. I spent my savings on a wedding that never happened. Again. That was a disaster. Honestly, it would have been terrible if I went through. I'm a whole different woman. Well not that different. My personality stayed the same due to the regeneration energy being channelled on a biological conversion. Basically all that energy makes human in me Time Lady so there's not enough left over to change my personality.

So I don't have much money and need to get to Cardiff. Mum won't let me have the car. I get a lift from Christina. In the bus. The one that flies. I'm never doing that again. You'd think she'd have gotten the isea after she hit me. Buses aren't meant to fly.

Anyway, I had to promise her to give her The Doctor's number when I got it though. Space-boy does get around a bit.

So I'm in Cardiff. I have no idea where to go. It's a nice sunny day. I'm wearing a white top. Yes, that was a mistake. I ask if anyone knows where Torchwood is. Old lady replies, 'Bloody Torchwood' and points to Roald Dahl Pass. I take shortcut through alley.

What was I thinking? The bad guy always gets you in the alley.

So, shortcut through alley. Slug monster alien grabs me. Alien takes me to its sewer base. Sewer base is filled with nutrient slug gunk. Slug gunk is food for alien leader. Leader is a giant mutant plant. It has purple and yellow pustules. What kind of a plant has pustules?

Well the king of that planet The Doctor took me to one time. Oh and the Teejehas. Not to mention – oh, anyway. What kind of plant _on Earth_ has pustules?

So there I am, before the Plant Lord. I'm thrown into the gunk. White t-shirt isn't white anymore. It stinks. It clings to me. And to top it all off it's going see through. Alien leader uses tentacle thing to pull me towards it. Tentacle wanders.

Pretty boy walks in. Pretty boy doesn't recognise me. I tell him who I am. Pretty boy looks shocked. He also thinks I'm lying.

Tentacle starts moving to even more inappropriate places.

I try to convince him I am Donna. By that I pretty much mean I shout at pretty boy. Because really, he has a gun and the plant is trying to cop a feel and he still doesn't believe me. Pretty boy shouts at me. 'You can't be her. Donna Noble wasn't as much as a looker as you.' I slap pretty boy. I really slap him for that. Pretty boy suddenly believes me.

The Doctor has been telling him tales. Unflattering tales by the sound of it. So that's another to The List. And yes, it deserves to be capitalised. 1. He steals my memories. 2. He gets me run over by a flying bus. 3. He deletes his number. 4. Deleting his number means I'm covered in slug alien gunk. And last but not least 5. Because of him, pretty boy thinks I'm a complete nutter.

Then again, it's our second meeting and I'm waist deep in alien gunk with a mutant plant trying to cop a feel. Oh, and I've completely changed my face (and that's The Doctor's fault too). Anyone would be having doubts of my sanity.

So where was I? Yeah, I remember. Alien leader somehow swallows us. Pretty boy blows alien up from the inside. I get covered in alien parts, muck, and slime. There are bits of alien in my annoyingly long blonde hair. So blonde that it actually stains. And it's covered in exploding alien parts. Oh, and it's so long it takes an hour to clean on a good day.

Pretty boy knocks me fully into alien gunk. I decide I don't like pretty boy anymore.

Then he kisses me.


	3. The Thing About Lobsters

**The Thing About Lobsters**

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I get hit by a flying bus, I get molestered by a plant, and then, when I think it's finally over, I get kidnapped. By a lobster. A lobster which has eyes on stalks. Kidnapped by a lobster with eyes on stalks that wants to make me its wife.

Oh and let's not forget the legions of cats, a couple of intergalactic police, a blue box that's really a time machine, an immortal pretty boy, pretty boy's team, some reporters, the military, a flying double-decker bus, ordinary earth police, and a teenaged Time Lady with a crush chasing after us. And guess what. This is all part of a high-speed chase on a motorway in Wales.

Yes. Wales.

I'm not even sure I want to explain this one. I mean it. This one is beyond me and I've been places. So many places.

It's been two years since the flying bus incident. Well two months if you're not time travelling. So I got that phone number from pretty boy. I called The Doctor. He comes running and arrives within the minute. After avoiding me for a year in his time.

Apparently I'm scary. That and I have a slap to rival Jackie Tyler. He mentioned something about Tyler genetics and Rose's great-grandmother. I don't believe him. His face had a red handprint for weeks after he came back. So eventually I forgive him.

We start travelling again. We find Jenny. Doctor isn't as depressed and suicidal. Jenny meets her hormones. Doctor is a dad again. An overprotective, keep-your-eyes-off-my-baby-girl dad.

We visit Cardiff every now and again. Because honestly, pretty boy is really easy on the eyes. Shame he has a boyfriend. Didn't stop him kissing me though. Or me marrying his future self. Who we left on an asteroid. Doctor said we can't have him crossing his own timeline. I think he's just annoyed at Jack for breaking his screwdriver.

So future Jack's on an asteroid. Me and the Doctor are in Cardiff with past/present-self pretty boy having tea with his team. Yes. We went to Cardiff to have tea. We could have gone to China in the 23rd century, renowned for having the best cup of tea in history but no. We have it in Cardiff.

Bad-things-happen-on-a-regular basis Cardiff. We-have-our-own-division-of-alien-hunters Cardiff. No other town or city at the beginning of the 21st century has its own alien hunting team, except in America. But then again, half of them think that Martians are little green men with large eyes.

So we're in Cardiff having a cuppa. I'm still blonde with annoyingly long hair and few curves.

Jenny is coming on to Ianto. Doctor is glaring at Ianto. Pretty boy looks like he wants to say an innuendo but doesn't. Smart boy remembers the last time Doctor thought he was coming onto Jenny. Ianto looks like he might have the same lesson soon.

Rift alarm goes. Doctor, Jenny and Torchwood go running out. Hair gets caught on chair. I get left behind. Again. It's bad enough this pretty boy doesn't know I will marry him and then he goes and leaves me behind and runs off with his boyfriend.

Jack on asteroid shivers at what is coming to him when I get back.

So I'm alone. Doctor took the Tardis, Jenny hotwired a sports car, and Torchwood took the SUV. I'm in flip-flops. You'd think after all the time spent with The Doctor that I'd always wear appropriate running shoes. But no. I thought for once they'd be no running and saving the world/universe.

So I'm stuck. I can't run fast in these shoes. My husband's past self is chasing aliens with his boyfriend, The Doctor's taken our only means of transport, and Jenny's going to be arrested. Again.

I think that she steals as much as Christina. That thought gives me an idea. I can get the flying bus express. I phone super-thief. She promises to be there in an hour. I decide to wait for her at the docks. And why did I decide to wait for her there? Because I thought if I'm going to be left behind then at least I get to go to the seaside.

Bad idea. Fisherman empties fish water on me. I now stink of fish. I shout at fisherman. Fisherman blames me. I start back to The Hub. Cats smell fish. Cats start following me. I've had enough trouble with cats that I speed up.

Cats speed up.

The cats are stalking me. I have cat stalkers. Stalkers that are cats. It's bad enough in the future a giant head in a tank is hitting on me now I suddenly have cat stalkers. I can't run. I'm in flip-flops. Cats begin to screech and run at me. I'm a meal on legs. Cats are about to get me.

I get swooped up and rescued by a stranger on some kind of alien land surfboard thing. I look up at stranger. I scream. Stranger is a giant man-lobster. His eyes are on the end of stalks. He starts talking. Turns out fish water does more than make me smell like cat food. Fish water makes me smell like a lobster woman ready to breed. Long blonde hair is mistaken for alien signal for willing to breed.

Lobster man is taking me away to marry him and 'fertilise the thousand spawn of Jirash'. Not a chance in hell, sunny boy.

So there we are. Me on lobster man's shoulder. Lobster man planning on making me his wife. The legions of Cardiff cats are chasing us, well me. Somehow – between shouting, swearing, and pounding on lobster man's back – we get talking.

It most likely happened when I noticed the rhinos chasing us. Well, rhino alien things. They were at the Shadow Proclamation. The Judoon. Turns out lover boy lobster is also a criminal. By also I mean that The Doctor stole his Tardis, Jack was a conman, Jenny stole a spaceship among other things, and Christina is a master thief.

So there we are. In Cardiff. I'm on the shoulder of a lobster man with eyes on stalks, we're being chased by legions of cats, and there are interplanetary police behind the cats.

People are beginning to notice. The Doctor finally realises that I've been kidnapped. Apparently he had the TV on and I was on the news. So The Doctor joins in the chase just as we leave Cardiff.

So there's me on the shoulder of a lobster, who's on a surfboard thing, legions of cats behind us, interplanetary police behind the cats, and a flying blue box crashing into everything behind that. Bravo Doctor. Brilliant rescue if I do say so myself.

Lobster man joins a motorway. Cats join motorway. Cars are beginning to crash. Rhinos with their rhino transport follow. Blue box flies out onto the road. Chaos is beginning to erupt.

Pretty boy appears out of nowhere clinging to the side of a perfume lorry. I was actually afraid to ask him about that one.

So there's me and a lobster on a surfboard, a hoard of insanely fast cats, alien rhinos, a blue box, and an idiot on the side of a lorry all on a motorway. And this is all because of a fisherman soaking me with fish water. I am going to sue that man to the moon. Not just any moon. The Lost Moon of bloody Poosh.

Pretty boy's team joins the chase and there is a lot of shouting. Pretty boy obviously annoyed them when he buggered off to be the idiot on the side of a lorry.

So there's me and a lobster, a legion of cats, a time machine with a terrible driver, an idiot on the side of a lorry, and the idiot's team.

That's when the news crews come. Helicopter and all. They have cameras. They have reporters. And they have the story of the year. Alien abduction in progress, weird animal behaviour, animal experimentation gone, science experiment gone wrong, a man in the progress of committing the most memorable suicide ever, and of course bloody Torchwood. It's all anyone could ask for all rolled up into one pursued by the loyal news reporters of the country.

And the worst part is. My mum will be watching it.

Granddad too, since the military suddenly joins the chase. They have jeeps with guns following up the rear.

So it goes like this: me and the lobster, the hoard of cats, mutant rhinos, blue box, pretty boy, Torchwood, reporters, and the military. And guess what. It's an hour since I made that call to Christina. So that means there's a proper big, red double-decker London bus that is being flown by a posh, high-born, upper-class aristocrat, who's also a master thief and can't fly for her life.

Have I mentioned my life is never boring?

Me and the lobster, the cats of doom, space police, a man who hasn't passed his Tardis test, idiot on the side of a lorry, pretty boy's team, reporters in helicopters, the military, and a flying bus.

People are getting the hell off that motorway by now. Mum's ringing my mobile. Lobster has claw where it should not be. I'm not very happy. And Christina's shadows are back. By that I mean the police who want to arrest her for theft.

So there's me and the lobster, demon cats, space rhinos, The Doctor, my husband's past self, his team, reporters, the military, a flying bus, and ordinary police all on the motorway. It chaos. There's no doubt The Doctor is enjoying himself. My mobile is getting on my nerves.

Jenny joins the chase. She's more concerned about catching Ianto than anything else. Never mind her poor aunty being taken away by a lobster.

So now we're back at the beginning.

I smell of fish water and being kidnapped by lobster man to be his wife and have his babies, lobster man with eyes on stalks is on an alien surfboard, hungry Cardiff cats are chasing us, Intergalactic rhino police are behind them in rhino transport and wish to arrest lobster man, there's a Time Lord flying a blue box following behind them, pretty boy on the side of a lorry transporting perfume, pretty boy's team in an black SUV, reporters who have the biggest (and strangest) story of the year in helicopters, the military who are ready to shoot, a proper big, red double-decker London bus that is being flown by a posh, high-born, upper-class aristocrat, who's also a master thief and can't fly for her life, her stalker police, and a teenaged Time Lady who has discovered her hormones.

We're all on a motorway outside of Cardiff. In a high-speed chase. It's insane. Probably the most insane moment in my life and I went to a planet where they spend their whole life hopping on one hand.

It ends quite rapidly.

The military shoots at the rhinos. They miss. They hit the lorry. More than that, they hit the idiot on the side. Pretty boy falls off, reporters scream. Helicopters swerve. One hits the Tardis. Tardis plummets in front of the Lorry. Lorry driver swerves and crashes. Crates inside lorry break. Hundreds of perfume bottles in crates smash.

Perfume is released.

Lobster man can't smell fish water anymore. Lobster man no longer wishes me to marry him. Thank goodness for that. Lobster man drops me. Torchwood shoots net at Lobster man. Lobster man is trapped. Alien police grab lobster man and disappear into thin air.

Christina climbs out of bus just as Doctor climbs out of box. Thief snogs Time Lord, smirks, and returns to bus. Bus flies away as police arrive. Reporters are standing over pretty boy's "dead" body. Pretty boy comes back to life and plays dead.

Torchwood argues with the military. Teenaged Time Lord takes opportunity to snog pretty boy's boyfriend. Angry Time Lord father shouts at tea boy. Three way argument erupts.

Nobody notices I'm on the floor. Underneath the hoard of cats. Cats that wish to eat me. Because – apparently – cats can still smell fish water.

I'm going to kill that fisherman.


End file.
